Felix is 9 months old and it is my first Mother’s Day! I figured this would be the right time to write out Felix’s birth story. The short of it is, it went as planned. A natural birth at the hospital. Of course there was more to it than that...here we go!
At 41 weeks I went to the OB and everything looked good-I received a membrane sweep and that evening I had cramping and some contractions throughout the night. Some were very close, but I knew first time moms could be in labor for days so I decided to relax into it and do my best to rest and sleep as much as I could. The next day my contractions all but stopped. This is common, as oxytocin is the hormone responsible for uterine contractions and more of it is produced at night. The next night I had a similar experience-contractions and cramping, and decided to stay home and sleep and rest, planning on making the trek the next night to the hospital. Thursday night came around and we got about 2.5 hours of sleep before going to the hospital. My contractions were starting to get closer together at home, but once we were in the car and then in the hospital they slowed way down. I knew it was common for contractions to slow down in new or stressful situations, so I was hoping that once we got settled in a delivery room, we could get the lights low, set the room up in a safe and comfortable way so my body could feel safe enough for labor to progress! When I arrived to the hospital I was 3 cm dilated and 90% effaced. I had tested GBS positive, so they gave me an IV (harrowing in and of itself-the first nurse botched it, and they finally brought in an expert from the anesthesiology team who got it in quickly, easily and painlessly). Around 5:30 am on Friday 8/11 we were admitted into a labor and delivery room. Our doula started setting up the room, dimming the lights, putting fairy lights around, making a more cave like environment. I was able to rest for a bit, and then started alternating pumping with walking and resting to get labor moving. Contractions seemed to intensify when I was in a relaxed state. Our OB arrived and tried to push pitocin on us! Basically giving us an ultimatum-use pitocin or go home and wait till I was more dilated! This was the last thing I wanted to do, and made me pretty angry and anxious! We refused, and she said she would come back in a few hours so we could re-assess and make a ‘plan’. The nurses told us she couldn’t kick us out, and I almost asked for a different OB, but decided to wait to see what happened. Luckily right around the time we were supposed to make the ‘plan’ my water broke! I decided to try to poop, and pushed harder than I normally would and pop! my water broke very obviously. I remember thinking maybe I just needed something to ‘push against’-as in pushing against the pressure from the OB. This meant our OB was able to let go of the pitocin pressure, and let labor progress on its own. From that moment on, things get a somewhat hazy for me. At some point I started moving into active labor and this brought on back labor-which meant that I was in constant excruciating pain. I couldn’t find a comfortable position to be in-nothing helped the pain-no acupressure, tens machine or comb holding could touch it. I just remember doing a sort of mindfulness practice, where I watched the pain shift and change-being constant and even more intense during contractions. I narrated it occasionally-there’s that pain, I’ve experienced that before…,I screamed, I rocked, I cried, I danced with Ben and our doula, I toned with Ben, I was on my feet for basically 6 hours as any other position made everything worse. I eventually made my way to sitting on the toilet as I was exhausted, and this felt like the most supportive spot to be-dark, less pressure on my sacrum, a handicap bar to grab onto and brace with. I had to get two more antibiotic drips through the IV during that time, which was an added element. I tried nitrous oxide and found it only made the contractions stronger and the pain worse! At 5:40pm I was 6cm dilated and 100% effaced. After this moment, nothing is clear to me other than multiple thoughts of “I can’t do this”! I was in transition and pushing for 2 hours according to my doula and Felix Heron was born at 9:37pm! I’m pretty sure my last thought before I felt his head tearing through my vagina was ‘I can’t do this’! But, he came out super fast and there he was! My little boy! They passed him to me through my legs, I held him, cut the umbilical cord after it stopped pulsing and he started breast feeding 30 minutes later. The placenta shot out quickly and painlessly after he came out thank goodness! We were in the hospital for a day and a half after his birth, and luckily we were both healthy and fine for every check we received during our time there.
Inside your memory, hidden
seeds of time,
gathering
blue water-
contourless,
shapeless
my milk, death, body-
gone
slipping inside
the flame,
the mystery.
and you,
a cabin
reminding me
where bottles
are hidden-
full of
fuzz
wires
your brass voice,
laughing,
finally.